Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Local Man Lays Off Children in Effort to Stimulate Economy, Sex Life

--Boone's Folly, California

Following reports of devastating losses in Q4 2008, local financial services consultant Carl Schweigl, 38, announced that a reduction in force would soon grip his household. Through a spokesperson, Schweigl issued the following statement: "Management has taken a long, hard look at our balance sheet over the last three months while the current economic downturn deepens, and reached the regrettable conclusion that a reduction in force is necessary in order to preserve our economic fortitude in these strenuous times and sufficient capital to maintain the beer supply above critical levels. Impacted family members will be notified at the next dinnertime. Outplacement services (cab fare and $20 in pizza coupons) will be provided. We had hoped this day would never come, but wish the impacted well in their future endeavours."

Three of the Schweigls' six children were expected to receive pink slips at the next family dinner. Mrs. Schweigl, 37, was quoted as saying "Management has made the decision to wait until later in the meal, when it is determined who has been feeding their vegetables to the dog" before handing out the pink slips. Mrs. Schweigl, herself, expressed confidence that her own position was secure, citing her possession of a valid Class C driver's license, gainful employment, a binding prenuptial agreement in her favor, and that one video of Mr. Schweigl getting naked while playing drinking games with his buddies at Lake Mead four years ago.

Reacting to the news of the impending RIF, family member James Schweigl, 12, said "Whatever. The benefits package here sucked anyway. Especially dental."