Saturday, January 24, 2009

A Message from The President (of KevinBaconLand)

Most are familiar with the postulate known as "Six Degrees of Separation." In its simplest form, the theory goes something like this: Any person on Earth at exactly this moment can be related to any another person on Earth at this moment through a direct series just SIX relationships of varying intimacy. (In reality, this theory is really much more complex--thousands and thousands of academics, working in universities around the world--mostly in Mississippi--have been attempting to perfect the contours of this theory with the aide of copious amounts of alcoholic substance and unhealthy exposure to Kevin Bacon movies.)

As a hypothetical illustration of this principle, consider the following: Today, you may have been standing in line at Starbucks next to a woman (1), whose uncle, the writer (2), is married to a carpenter (3), who made a toy giraffe for the daughter (4) of a doctor (5) who operated on Lance Armstrong's (6) torn meniscus (which, by the way, he suffered while trying to emulate moves from the film "Footloose," starring Kevin Bacon). Through this simple, yet elegant, constellation of relationships, you have just been related to Lance Armstrong. The conduits of these relationships could be anyone--a person on the bus, your spouse--the level of the relationship simply does not matter.

And so, it is with this principle in mind that I thank the American People for sending me to Washington, D.C.--specifically, the White House. That's right, the White House. I have attained the highest office in the land in a mere TWO degrees. Not bad for a political rookie. I shall explain.

Please refer to the photo at right. This is the editorial board for the Harvard Law Review, Vol. 104 (1990-1991). Note the festive attire, the good-natured humor, and the mirth emanating from their ranks. These people are having fun.

Anyway, seated at center, holding the staff, is BARACK OBAMA. Mr. Obama was the Editor-in-Chief ("president" as they're known at Haaaarvard) of the Harvard Law Review in 1991. Mr. Obama then went on to become a Constitutional law professor (mid-1990s), and among other things, President of the United States from 2009-2042. (I am counting on a Constitutional Amendment.)

Seated two positions to Mr. Obama's right in the photo is--I am informed and believe--JIM CHEN. Mr. Chen was the Executive Editor of the Harvard Law Review (1991), and more critically, MY constitutional law professor at University of Minnesota Law School in 1999. He was also the faculty advisor to Volume 86 of the Minnesota Law Review, Yours Truly, Editor-in-Chief (nose held high).

Coincidence? No. I am inextricably connected to these two giants. But get ready for the sum of these events: Applying Kevin Bacon's Principle of Human Interrelation, through the transitive property of Professor/Dean Chen, I AM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. That's right.

Am I just pimping my own Bacon-esque constellation of relationships for political gain? Water skiing over the vapors left behind those who have actually achieved something in their vocation, then shamelessly packaging those achievements up and presenting them as my own? You bet. But why not? Some Presidents are made just that way! (43)

The interrelation does not end with my ascension to the Presidency, though. As yet another amazing turn, Professor/Dean Chen is also currently on the short list to be the next Dean of Loyola Law School, Los Angeles, where my father's wife is currently preparing for matriculation. So, applying the same principles, I have appointed her Secretary of the Interior Design.* Responsibilities include Oval Office decor, coordination of gala events, daily briefings on terrorist activities, and conducting meetings with dignitaries while I am out clearing brush on the ranch.

Once again, thank you for placing the faith of the Republic behind me, and the fate of a nation in my hands. Prepare yourself for Change you won't want to believe.

*Appointment subject to Senate confirmation and presentation of valid juris doctor certificate.